The Root of All Evil

Is it? Is it really? Can anything that enters my rectal arena be gentle? I really doubt the sincerity of this product’s given name. They may wish it to be gentle. They may encourage it to be gentle, but in the end (no pun intended) that’s not something they can truly guarantee. What’s interesting however, is that in their instructions they have no disclaimer as to the degree of gentleness or even refer to the thought of comfort. I mean these are some cocky little SOB’s who make the Gentle Read Rectal Thermometer.

It works just like any other digital thermometer, only it’s about the same size as a TV remote. Imagine sticking one of those up there. Ugly! The only difference is that it has this metal jab at the end of it. Kinda looks like you’re going to stab the Thanksgiving Turkey to check the temperature of the breast to see if it’s done. To make it “gentle”, there’s a little rubber sheath that fits nice and snug over the jab. Note that should you remove the Gentle Read Rectal Thermometer and the sheath is missing, panic has been known to occur. Thus it is best to stay away from such phrases as “Oops!” or “Where did it go?” or “We need more KY!”.

For someone who has just reached the age where he gets to enjoy the annual Prostate Exam Party, this is by far enough rectal entering for me. I seem to recall the phrase “gentle” being used during that event as well, but would hardly compare it to napping in my big Lazy Boy Chair. Also, in a day and age when they can stick an electronic device in your ear to get your temperature, is there really any need left for rectal thermometers.

Although the Gentle Read Rectal Thermometer is professional looking and highly rated, I say let the buyer beware. This should not be an impulse buy, but a well thought out and discussed family decision. This ranks right up there with which house you’re going to purchase and who to vote for for President. Believe me, it can have that kind of lasting impact upon your life.

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